Welcome to the Trans Mafia
So, what? You think you can be a trans woman now? You imagine this is just like some kind of clever little club for hot, smart people? Well, yes it is. That’s true. But what gives YOU the right to think you belong in the club? Ask yourself some important questions.
First, can you wait? We wait a lot, the trans have to wait all the time. Sometimes the waiting is pining. Sometimes the waiting is just old fashioned waiting, for an appointment, for hormones, for your family to come round, for someone to treat you like a human being, for your partner to accept you, for breasts, for an ass, for that glorious summer morning when a friendly guy in scrubs in Barcelona or Istanbul or Mexico City opens up your face and takes a chisel to your skull.
Trans people are often time-obsessives because we are working on minus time. Those years leading up to the ceremonial egg smashing were T-day minus and in some cases, there’s a very big number. So you have to squeeze a whole new life’s worth of living into a much smaller time period. Fortunately, if you transition in your 30s, 40s or later, you’re just getting going while everyone else is slowing down, so you can feel like a time-traveling hedonist, rushing around in a magical garden of delights, while all your peers are tramping apathetically around IKEA in a fug of self-loathing.
Secondly, can you embrace the rule of two? Always two there are: a hot trans girl master and a clocky trans girl apprentice. The master teaches the apprentice all she knows, and eventually, the apprentice becomes hotter than the master. Did you ever hear the story of Darth Brick the Jealous?
Thirdly, can you discourse? Are you able to memorise long and twisted chains of entirely trivial events about subjects that really don’t matter in the slightest, as well as an enormous and ever-growing cast list of good girls and bad girls, and all of the associated references, acronyms and nicknames? And can you then immediately forget them all several days later to clear space for more drama?
Fourthly, how good’s your chemistry? If you’re in the UK, you’re going to need to take a Breaking Bad approach to hormones because if you don’t, you’ll be standing in front of a mirror waiting for your boobs to grow for around a decade, while GPs and consultants timidly turn the pages of the Endocrinologicon, the dusty arcane tome that holds the dark secrets of trans medicine.
Fifthly, how much cash you got? This is a wild ride of discovery and along the way there will be all sorts of magical enhancements and enchanted potions to upgrade your trans powers. If you have money, get used to losing it and if you don’t have it, do everything you can to get it. There’s nothing more important than this, absolutely nothing. You don’t need savings, you do need this.
Sixthly, how strong is your selfie game? No good? Too old for selfies? Too cool for selfies? Well, fuck that. For a long time, you will present yourself to the world through social media and for some trans women that can last months and years. Seeing yourself properly for the first time is a religious experience, and having others see the real you is an epiphany beyond words. So swallow your preconceptions, find the portrait setting, ask your cat which is the best sunny spot in your house and learn how to smile, pout and pose.
Finally, have you got tight control of your jealousy gland? Because you’re going to need to go on social media to get the information and the community that you need, and that means you are going to see an awful lot of trans goddesses whose very image will cause you to dissolve into a puddle of hopelessness. That stage will lost for a looonnnng time until you get where you need to get to, and jealousy rots your insides if you’re not careful.
If it helps, remember that she is as broken and fragile as you, and even if she’s at a different stage on the road, you’re both going the same way, and you don’t want to reach your destination and find no-one wants to talk to you because you were a bitch along the way.
You answered yes to all of those? Congratulations. Here’s your complimentary shark, trans starter crush and Only Fans log in. You’re a made woman. Literally.
